The Borg Menace
by NGBlue
Summary: It irked me and others how easy the Borg was subdued in ST:Voyager. Let's make things even worse shall we? Attempted humor and all-around general sillyness inside.


**Title:** Startrek Episode 7 of 9: The Borg Menace  
**Author**: NGBLue  
**Rating: **PG-13? (for extreme sillyness)  
**Disclaimer**: Yeah yeah...everything belongs to those greedy bastards at Paraborg and Via-Borg-Com. Resistance is futile...especially in the case of a certain buxom blonde. As to money, I got my own private jet in my backyard...no really!!  
**Note:** Loads of thanks to Quew. For not only assisting in writing this after a lengthy brainstorming session late at night. But also for correcting mistakes and adding some humor of her own ;) (It also gives me a viable excuse to say that I'm not the only one who's insane)

Originally uploaded on the VJB group.

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It was the middle of the Alpha shift, and everything seemed to be quiet on the bridge of the Starship Voyager. Well, almost quiet.

A certain redhead had fallen asleep, and was happily sleeping her shift away, making sounds not unlike a chainsaw with a bad smokers cough, while the rest of the bridge crew was thinking of ways to wake her up. They had attempted just about everything, from pinching her to putting leola stew below her nose to - as a very last resort - getting Neelix to tell his infamous knock knock jokes (enough to make the most staunch officer run screaming from the room), in hopes that something would cause her to awake.

"Captain," Tuvok tried, clearing his throat at a volume that had most of the bridge crew wincing. Even a Vulcan could only tolerate the loud snoring the Captain was producing for a certain amount of time. He looked at Chakotay who was out of his chair and hunched over Janeway's form, but saw the Commander would be of no help, as usual. He briefly wondered why Chakotay featured on the bridge at all.

"Go to Red Alert," Tuvok ordered, hoping the noise would startle the Captain enough to wake her up. He had considered tossing some cold water across her face, but the last time they had tried that method, it had short circuited the computer, and a second later the redshirt console had exploded, again.

The alarm barely sounded, when Janeway woke up with a start, her hand hitting the eject button on the console in front of her.

Chakotay immediately leapt away from her and started to whistle while holding a black crayon behind his back. He quickly pretended to be very interested in picking his nails. His ears picked up a strange noise and he turned around just in time to see Ensign Idontwannadie fly through the roof of Voyager and disappear into the far reaches of space.

"Damn, that's the third one this week," Paris mumbled.

"Contact requisitions, tell them we need another redshirt," Janeway ordered, the two black lines above her mouth moving as she talked.

"Captain...there's something," Paris pointed to Janeway's black mustache.

"What?" Janeway moved her hand to her chin and it came back with a black swipe. Noticing the black crayon sticking out from behind the Commander's back she gave him a force 10 glare.

"Payback..." Chakotay mumbled under his breath. He had not forgotten how the Captain had used his forehead as a canvas during a session of love-making, saying the stuff would sexually stimulate him and that he should 'try something new'. Even seven years later it still wouldn't come off.

"Captain, there's a Borg conduit opening," Harry Kim said.

"Again? And weren't you dead?"

"Wrong Ensign," Chakotay offered up.

Janeway grabbed a mug of coffee, watching as the bridge doors opened to allow entry to the latest redshirt, Ensign Justastatistic. Immediately everybody started a betting-pool on how long he would last.

"Captain, there's another Borg conduit opening directly behind us."

Janeway just yawned and rolled her eyes. "On screen."

In front of them two Borg cubes were neatly parked behind each other, seemingly waiting for something. Behind Voyager another two cubes appeared, flying in the same way the other two cubes had.

"Captain, we're being hailed," Harry said.

The viewscreen burst into life, the familiar sickly green glow so indicative of Borg cubes filling the Voyager bridge. The drones on the screen were their usual, impassive selves, lined up with almost painful precision. "We are the Borg," They began, the dull monotone filled with the voices of the collective. "Resistance is..." Strangely, the Borg paused during their usual opening speech, and eyebrows hit hairlines on the bridge as they suddenly and without warning broke into a rousing chorus of, "heigh ho heigh ho, it's off to work we go..." The Borg on the screen started to dance around, and then the connection closed.

Janeway's jaw dropped on the floor, a puddle of drool already collecting at her feet.

"The Borg are..." Tuvok's eyebrows hit his hairline as he tried to determine what just happened. "One cube just moved over us."

"Janeway to Seven of Nine," the Captain said hitting her comm-badge. The line opened but all she could hear was muffled gasps and low moans, which were definitely female in origin. "Seven...respond."

"Ahhh...uhh, yes Captain?"

"I need you on the bridge, right now."

Just a few seconds later a disheveled Seven of Nine, scantily clad in just a nightgown and barefoot exited from the Turbolift. Janeway almost choked on her coffee as she caught sight of her. "Seven?"

"You interrupted us, and I believe you said right now," Seven offered as an explanation.

"US?" Kathryn squeaked.

A half-naked B'Elanna Torres futily attempted to hide behind the gorgeous Borg. "Hi, Captain?"

Janeway pointed to the screen, which had flared into life once more. "Either the Borg are playing a practical joke on us, or they've surely gone mad. What are they doing?"

"I believe the correct term would be...that they are frog hopping."

Gasping, Janeway sprayed coffee all over her console at that declaration. Chakotay looked at the fizzling console with wide eyes. Immediately he spun around, just in time to see the redshirt console explode and decapitate Ensign Justastastic.

Paris whistled. "I won."

"Chakotay to the requisition department, send in another one."

"Captain, there was a small fluctuation of the energy levels for a second. I...I believe that our crew just grew by 47 people. They are all Borg," Harry reported.

Just as he said that two Borg appeared on the Bridge, one ending up on Janeway's lap who promptly fainted again. When she came to a second later she heard a monotone voice say "tag, you are it." The Borg touched her, before promptly moving up from Janeway's lap and quickly running through the Turbolift doors. Unfortunately the lift was a couple of decks higher, stuck, as usual. A loud resounding Splatttt could be heard as he fell a dozen decks down.

"I want some explanations people," Janeway ordered as soon as she had recovered enough from her ordeal.

"Inverse subspatial anamoly?" Chakotay offered.

"Plothole?" Tom piped up.

"Bad dream?" B'Elanna tried.

"Paramount Writers?" Tuvok finally concluded.

Everyone stared at Tuvok for a moment. The Vulcan just shrugged. "It is common practice for them to set us up with pages full of technobabble just to hide the fact there is no plot present."

The one remaining Borg on the bridge had so far gone unnoticed. At least until he walked past the surprised crew members, Who were shocked to see that he'd donned a red cape and had a picnic basket swinging merrily from one arm as he jauntily skipped across the bridge, a feat made almost impossible by his Borg body.

"Little red riding Borg?" B'Elanna promptly fainted.

When she came to she found a very eager buxom blonde giving her mouth-to-mouth, which turned into passionate kisses just a second later. Everyone else on the bridge pulled at their collars, which suddenly seemed far to small and which didn't seem to help as the two women started to tug the clothes off each other's bodies.

"Computer, initialize a site to site transport to B'Elanna's quarters," Janeway ordered her cheeks flushed and her voice slightly strained.

It took a few seconds for B'Elanna to notice that she was in her quarters. It took a few more seconds for her to notice that save for Seven, there was somebody else present. Shrieking she stood up and immediately came face to face with another Borg drone.

"We will now commence a 'big hug'," the drone said on a flat tone. "Resistance is futile." As he opened his arms and advanced on her, B'Elanna's eyes flew open wide.

"Ackkkk," B'Elanna ran out of her quarters as fast as she could towards the only other place she considered her home, Main Engineering.

For a moment, B'Elanna was wondering if this was not a bad dream after all. But after several painful self-inflicted pinches, she realized that it was all really happening.

At least 10 Borg Drones were occupying Engineering, and the Engineering crew had a really hard time to keep them from doing severe damage, intentionally or not.

"It's the Borg...but not as you know them," B'Elanna muttered after one of the drones came crawling to her feet and curled around her legs while meowing. Another was hanging from the second floor, making 'Ookk Oohhh ooookkk!' noises. He fell down directly behind a very unamused Klingon and started to check her for fleas, running his hands through her hair gently as he continued to Oook quietly .

"OKAYYYYYY, that's it," B'Elanna muttered. She grabbed a spray and made a rather large red X on one of the drones. Grabbing the biggest rifle she could find, she was just about to shoot the drone to pieces when two strong but very soft hands grabbed hold of her own.

"Damnit, Seven," B'Elanna pouted.

"You will not harm them," Seven said on a sharp tone.

B'Elanna watched one of the drones walk by, somebody having had attached a piece of paper to his back that said 'kick me'. She was just about to do exactly that, when she was spun around and a pair of cherry lips caressed her own. "Comply," Seven ordered her voice husky.

"I just want to harm one...just one. Come on, there's plenty of them around, pleaseeeee Seven," she whined.

Just then 5 drones ran by, walking in a perfect line behind each other, making 'Choo Choo' noises, their arms pinwheeling rhythmically by their sides.

Seven briefly wondered if the universe had gone mad.

On the bridge Janeway watched the drone that had previously played little red riding hood count to 100 before turning around. "Come out...come out, wherever you are hiding, persistence is futile," he droned. Immediately he started to rummage around the bridge, knocking over Janeway's chair, while said redhead had still been sitting on it.

At the same time Ensign Imtooyoungtodie entered the bridge, wisely taking a position a fair distance away from the redshirt console.

"Captain, we're being hailed," Harry Kim reported.

On the view-screen appeared the face of the Borg Queen. "Captain Janeway, I must insist that you aid us," The Queen said. Before Janeway could formulate a response, the view panned out slightly, focusing on 10 drones circling an alcove to which the Queen had been chained, making Indian noises.

"What did you do? Assimilate the kiddy section of the universe?"

"Very funny...no I'm afraid the problem is different in nature..." the Queen muttered angrily as she watched how one of the Borg tossed a piece of iron, like a tomahawk towards her, barely missing her head.

As if on cue, Q appeared on screen, watching at the Borg circling around their Queen with an amused smirk. Suddenly the drones cried in unison, "group hug!" Effectively squashing the Borg Queen between them like a ripe fruit.

"Q..." Janeway cried out smashing her fist on the console in front of.

Chakotay really tried...he really did. But he couldn't resist glancing across his shoulder. He immediately noticed that Ensign Imtooyoungtodie had suddenly been given a new attire. "I thought they were called redshirts for a reason?"

"I believe Paramount just wants to make it easier for us," Janeway offered.

Chakotay shrugged. He took another good look at the big Bullseye that was painted on the otherwise white shirt the Ensign was wearing. At that moment the console finally gave out and exploded hitting exactly the middle of the bullseye.

"Chakotay to requisitions...replicate another one."

"Q...why did you do it?" Janeway asked.

"I actually only changed one...parameter," Q offered, winking at Janeway.

"..."

"They used to be only a joke to you...now they are a joke to the entire universe!"


End file.
